Resolving to Find the Fun in 2016

Me in 2014.

2015 kind of sucked for me.

I dealt with painful "getting old" back and leg issues, my son was immersed in junior/senior year stress (and we all went along for that ride), and my Dad died. There were many blessings, too: a trip to Vegas, a great writing conference, new clients (yay!), and the continued health and contentment of most of my family.

But in 2016, I want to focus on being happy again. I believe happiness takes a certain level of mindfulness, and I want to be mindful of discovering joy, rather than passively suffering through the misery. At my age, I know joy doesn't consist of just vacations and mani/pedis. True joy is found in your day-to-day, in taking care of your family, partnership, health, work, friends and home.

So, to succeed in this year's theme -- "Find the Fun" -- these are the New Year's resolutions I've made to be responsible for my happiness and to kick the blahs out the door. I only succeed when I'm held accountable, which is why I'm posting them here. I'll blog again in February about how I'm doing.

Family resolution

I resolve to create more moments when we can be together as a family. 

It's amazing, when your children are teenagers, how easy it is to live with people that you never connect with. We're home together a lot, but the boys are working as hard as I am on "the future," and when we're not working, we're relaxing on devices -- I'm as bad as they are. I'm trying to keep this resolution simple, i.e.. accomplishable: I'm resolving to eat more meals at the table and to plan one event a month that gets us out of the house together. I've already got this month's event on the calendar: We're going to the Harper Macaw chocolate factory tour in northeast D.C. Could there be a better lure? And yes, there will be a blog.

Marriage resolution

I resolve to find one new adult event to explore every month with my husband.

My man's a blast, he's pretty much up for anything with only mild convincing, and we have a lot of fun together. But with the stress of last year, we went out less and less, and when we did go out, it was generally to the same place. We both enjoy life with a few surprises, so in 2016, I'm committed to finding the Kennedy Center performances, bourbon tastings and hiking trails that will offer them.

Health resolution

I resolve to feel better.

Resolutions about weight and health are rife with controversy, and I thought long and hard about how to phrase this one. But the thing is, I don't feel good at the weight I am. I think it's hard on my frame. The end of last year was a "eat-and-drink-my-pain" fiesta and in the four days that I've been eating better, exercising every day, drinking more water and cutting back on alcohol, I already feel better. The proof is in the pudding, even when I can't have any.

Work resolution

I resolve to post to social media every day, skill build two hours a week, blog every week, and make a certain amount every month.

As a busy social media manager who helps my solopreneur and small business clients learn, plan and post their social media, I forget to do my own learning and planning and posting. The prime directive I give to all my clients is to take control of their marketing and messaging. And yet, I can let my messaging passively dribble out, too. However, with a child soon in college and a directive about how much I have to make in 2016 from my financial planner, my business and income is something I can no longer be passive about. Need help with your social media resolutions? That's what I'm here for.

Friends resolution

I resolve to entertain more and be more entertaining.

Oh, my lovely friends. Does it feel like your digits are gathering dust on my phone? Friends and their information, advice, laughter and love inject a huge dose of fun into my life, and I will use the excuse, "I'm sooooo busy," no longer. I've already got a couple of gatherings at our house planned -- look for your invite -- but I'm also going to remind myself that seeing my friends does not have to be a production. Over coffee, with a glass of wine, or during a joint trip to Target is a great time to enjoy my friends.

Home resolution 

I resolve to do what our financial planner says.

While being in our 40s doesn't make my husband and I feel any closer to adulthood, we are trying to behave like adults. We finally met with a financial planner at the end of last year, and she has given us our marching orders. It's calming to know we're driving down the road of our financial future with our eyes wide open, rather than squinted shut while hoping everything is going to be okay. It's also nice to know someone is there to help us handle the dips, rises and inevitable potholes. 

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What are your resolutions for 2016? Do you have any suggestions to help me with mine? Please comment below. I need all the help I can get.

And please check in again in February to see how I'm doing. 

10 Ways To Help Those In Mourning

My dad and I, 2004

Swimming in the blissful good fortune of someone who reached her forties without losing a close loved one, I was horrible when it came to helping others who were dealing with death. I once didn’t contact a good friend for months after her mom died. On the day a neighbor had to euthanize his dog who had been his main companion for 20 years, I asked, “Are you going to get another dog?” He looked at me like I’d slapped him. 

But then I joined the club. My dad was killed in August of 2015. He was on his motorcycle and was hit by a semi-truck that crossed into his lane. My dad was 62 years old, and his death was – is still – a gut-punching shock.

My dad lived in a small town, surrounded by our large family, and was active in his church and community. The initial days of our mourning were very public -- people dropped by with food and toilet paper, strangers gave their condolences at the visitation, friends he hadn't seen since high school attended the funeral. I would have assumed that I would hate feeling exposed to so many. But in reality, each word and hug and offer of support helped. Each human contact meant something to me, gave me an opportunity to cry, and made me feel not so afraid and alone.

I want to remember that. In honor of all those people who spoke and hugged and emailed, I want to remember how I would like to behave the next time someone I know is grieving the death of a loved one.

1. I will reach out anyway I can. 

I was amazed how helpful each text, Facebook post, email, phone call, card or drop-by was. Death is terrifying and being shown that I had this ever-growing wall of support and love to lean on comforted me and made me feel less alone. I didn’t care about the substance of the message; all I cared about was the karmic hug offered by each person.

2. I won’t worry about what to say. 

So often, I didn't reach out to someone who was grieving because I worried about what to say. But when I was in grief, I really didn’t care what was said. I just needed the support, the affirmation of being loved, the comfort of a hello. Just be there. The words will come.

3. I will remember that saying, “I’m sorry for your loss,” is fine. 

This is a great, simple phrase, easy to say and easy to mean. Said to me over and over again in the reception line after my dad’s funeral, it was still meaningful. If the grievers have more to say, they will. But it’s okay to just be there in silence and support.

4. I will bring food. 

People in mourning forget to eat. And then they eat a ton. And then they have to get back to real life and start planning meals. It was the very last thing in the world I wanted to do. Bring food without asking. Bring fresh food and freezable food. Bring baked goods and a salad. Bring food two weeks after the funeral. But most importantly, DON’T ASK if the person needs food. Trust me. They do.

5. I won’t talk about the bright side. 

Focusing on the positive – “At least they got to see the Grand Canyon first,” – can make this incredibly difficult conversation more comfortable for the person feeling awkward. For the person who will never see their loved one again, there is no bright side. If the mourner wants to say it, that’s fine. But don’t bring it up as the comforter. In the beginning stages of grief, it is not a comfort.

6. I won’t ask if the mourner needs anything. I will just do.

I will bring food. I will walk their dog. I will run a load of laundry. I will deliver groceries. I will whisk their kids off for a day. “Don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything,” is a well-intentioned sentiment, but a person in mourning can barely pick out what to wear, much less figure out where they need help. Just jump in and help. Oh yeah, and bring food.

7. I will make plans and dates with the griever.

When I got back home after the funeral, several beloved girlfriends contacted me with dates for cocktails, coffees and my birthday lunch. I could choose which dates worked best, but they did not give me an option to bow out. Without these lovely women, I would have spent a lot of unhealthy time on the couch watching Bones re-runs. I will remember the value of a loving arm twist.

8. I WON’T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. 

I remember thinking in the past, “They’re probably tired of talking about death. I’ll bring up something else,” then trying to forge ahead with a new conversation. I was so wrong. Let the person talk about grieving as much and as long as he wants. When he's ready to talk about something else, he will. But let him lead the conversation.

9. I will encourage them to grieve.

One of the blessings I only fully realized after the initial fog of grieving lifted was that everyone in my life -- friends, family, husband, kids -- gave me room to grieve. No one expected me to move this thing along. I could talk and cry and stay in my sweats as long as I wanted. Encourage the griever to lean into whatever emotion he or she is feeling. Resisting grief, or ignoring it, only makes a person feel worse.

10. I will show up two weeks and a month and two months later.

The real blow of loss doesn't come until all the initial hubbub dies down. Two weeks, a month, two months later is when a mourner can really use a frozen casserole and a coffee date. I will remember to reach out and reassure the griever -- like so many wonderful people have reached out to reassure me -- that she is supported and loved.

I'd love to hear any advice you have for helping people get through grief. Please share in the comments below.