5 Tips for Writing Love Scenes That Matter

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“Lopez …makes a profound statement about being an American amid absolutely mind-blowing sex scenes. It’s her ability to balance these lascivious passages with pointed, meaningful storytelling that sets her work apart and makes her a writer worth returning to again and again.”--Maureen Lee Lenker, Entertainment Weekly

I like sex scenes. Before I began writing, sex scenes were my favorite part of the book. They were what I would read over and over again, as you can tell by the bends in my paperbacks. It’s easy to dismiss this as horny inclinations, but that would too easily dismiss the value and distinctiveness of the romance novel genre.

In mysteries, we love the unwinding of the whodunnit. In horror novels, we love the slow creep down the hall to the terrifying reveal. These books create a feeling that readers sign up for when they buy them.

A great romance novel captures the visceral sensation of falling in love. It is a sensation that has launched a thousand ships and sent people into murder and madness. It is not to be trivialized. Many authors, myself included, consider physical chemistry and lust part and parcel to falling in love. Great sex scenes aren’t just about inserting tab A into slot B. Great sex scenes capture all the mystery and majesty of touching the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Done well, all the high emotion and relinquishing of self and terror and hope and stumbling and flying of falling in love can happen in a sex scene.

No pressure, right?

Because I value and respect sex scenes, I’ve worked hard to make them powerful, compelling, and emotionally resonating in my books. In my course How to Write Love Scenes That Matter, I teach others how to do so as well. If you don’t have time for a writing workshop, here are 5 tips to writing sex scenes that matter….

Make characters’ sexual selves as distinctive as the rest of them

You know your characters’ eye colors, jobs, thoughts about themselves, thoughts about their world, religion, favorite foods, etc. Their thoughts about sex, about themselves as sexual creatures, and how they approach the act is as distinctive as the rest of them. We do such a disservice to our characters and to our readers when we make every hero a growly alpha and every heroine an inexperienced virgin who effortlessly orgasms. Think through how their lives and upbringings inform their sexual selves, and how it repels and compliments the partner you’ve created for them.

In my debut book Lush Money, my billionaire businesswoman and the prince she tries to buy are powerful, epically attractive, sexually experienced, and overwhelmingly confident. When they first have sex, it’s like a clash of the titans, with both of them warring for the upper hand. However, they’re both good people with deep wounds who crave to be loved, and this vulnerability and tenderness toward each other comes into play in the bedroom way before they’re willing to let it show in real life.

What’s the conflict? 

The goal, motivation and conflict of every chapter in your book should also be included in your sex scenes. Especially the conflict. What is the complication they’re trying to overcome in every sex scene and how does the sex raise the stakes when they’re out of bed?

In After Hours on Milagro Street, insta-lust and insta-bedding in this opposites-attract book lays the conflict for the first half of the book. The hero’s quick orgasm gives my heroine, who admires him even though she doesn’t want to, something to poke to keep him ten yards back. He’s helplessly attracted to the fierce bartender even though he doesn’t want to be. The sex is the conflict.

In Serving Sin, my CEO businesswoman desperately wants to be touched by the bodyguard prince, and the prince desperately wants to touch her, even though he doesn’t believe he is worthy. This conflict is addressed in the first scene of physical intimacy, when he kisses her exposed back to let her know how bad he wants her, but then begs her to leave so he won’t take it further.

The conflicts that make our books page-turners should also be included in our sex scenes.

Use The characters’ surroundings

If your sex scene starts becoming rote, if it feels too focused on body positions and movement, one easy way to solve this is to open up the characters’ and the readers’ senses to the surroundings. The soft linen sheets, the moonlight above the farm field, the sound of the ocean waves beyond their beach blanket, and the smell of cotton candy rising up to where they are on the ferris wheel are all details you can use to ground the physicality of the sex scene and make the scene unique to your book and characters. Even while they make love, they can interact with that world. The linen sheets can be too soft, too slick, so they go to the floor to get some traction. The moonlight can expose what they’re trying to keep secret. The sound of the ocean waves can make them happily start singing the Beach Boys while they’re doing it, and the smell of cotton candy can make him ravenous for the sugar fix of her.

In Hate Crush, my rock-star hero meets my princess winemaker in a giant wine vat that she’s cleaning. Soon, they’re having sex against the hard steel wall. Their kisses echo off the metal surfaces, her skimpy jeans short and half t-shirt she wears for cleaning are effortlessly pushed aside, the brush broom she was using to scrub clatters to the ground in their fervor, and later, when the necessary discomfort settles in, she realizes she has to re-sterilize the tank after what they’ve done and rejects his offer to help. The interior of the wine vat informed their sex scene.

Take chances with stereotypical gender roles

In writing alpha heroines, I guess I do this a lot in my writing, so perhaps this isn’t a tip that will work for everyone. However, staying away from the seemingly concrete gender roles so often assigned to cis heterosexual couples in romance beds is a way to make your sex scenes unique and distinctive. The man doesn’t have to be a growly dominant. The woman doesn’t have to be led.

In the initial sex scenes in Hate Crush and After Hours on Milagro Street, my heroes orgasm very fast, overwhelmed by their desire for the heroine. I loved showing their vulnerability this way, as well as showing their determination to please the heroine outside of intercourse.

The threat of a quick orgasm comes up again in Hate Crush, which is a second-chance romance, when they reunite years later. It is a way for me to underline how deeply my slutty rock star, who’s slept with A LOT of people, is affected by this one princess. In After Hours Milagro Street, when my hero tries to return the favor of the orgasm with his fingers, my bad-ass bartender heroine is like, “You know what, I got this,” and masturbates on top of him. It underlines how this is only a wham-bam-thank-you-sir for her, which she is allowed to enjoy. These scenes gain emotional resonance later in the book which she apologizes for making fun of him, tells him how much she enjoyed his passion for her, and he shows her that he has the powers to drive her crazy as well.

Playing with gender roles in bed is FUN!

Include the themes of your book in your sex scenes

I’m a pantser, not a planner, so the themes of my books don’t reveal themselves until I’ve finished writing the first draft. Still, the beliefs and issues my characters struggle with in the book so often reveal themselves in the sex scenes. If the characters are hard in the world, but wish to love and be loved, let the bedroom be the place where readers can see that transformation. If they feel misunderstood, let understanding grow in the love scenes. If they are self-punishing, let their partner show them how they are worthy.

In Full Moon Over Freedom, my alpha heroine has just divorced a narcissist, and returns to her hometown with her confidence pulled out from underneath her. There she runs into the childhood friend who became the young man who taught her about sex. What better way for her to get her confidence about her body and sexuality back than to have a summer romp with this bad-boy-turned-artist? Through the course of their sexual interactions, we see Gillian’s journey to regain her sexuality and how Nicky helps her re-claim her sense of self.

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sign up now for my live, online course, How to Write Love Scenes That Matter

How to Write Love Scenes That Matter - 8/2/2025

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The August 2 class is sold out! Join the waitlist to be notified if there is a cancellation and when the next class becomes available for signup.

Discover the secret to writing love scenes that will make your books unputdownable and keep your readers up all night! In her three-hour live online workshop, critically acclaimed romance author Angelina M. Lopez will teach you how to write love scenes that avoid the cringe and dramatically impact your plot and book. Learn in her one-day course how to create that same gut-swooping sensation for your readers that made you fall in love with the genre. Learn more

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Would you be interested in taking a sex scene writing course from me?

(Update: Signup for my writing workshop How to Write Love Scenes That Matter is now open to newsletter subscribers. It will open up to non-subscribers on May 28.)

I’ve been slowly putting together a workshop titled:

How to write sex scenes readers (and your book) can’t live without

Readers have always seemed to find my love scenes effective (heh), and in this era of censorship and purity culture, it feels like an act of resistance to teach people how to write pulse-pounding sex scenes that are as important to the plot as the climax (heh!).

I’m sorry. I’m 12.

If you’d be interested in taking such a course from me, you can signup here to be notified when the class is available.

Countdown Advice for Authors Before Publication

*Author’s Note: I wrote this blog counting down to the release of my debut book Lush Money. While the book has now been in the world for a bit, I think these seven tips are still worthwhile for unpublished authors or authors on the eve of a debut. I hope you find them helpful.

Today marks ONE DAY until the release of Lush Money, my debut romance novel. I’ve wanted to publish a book my whole life and I’ve been writing romance for 19 years — this is a dream long in coming (you can head to my FB page to see my reaction when I finally get to hold my book).

Alongside all the dreaming, many practical skills have been learned as well. So as I count down one week until the launch of Lush Money, I will offer seven tips — a tip each day — for other authors in the space I’ve been in for the last year-and-a-half: between a finished manuscript and the launch of a book.

You are the only one who can tell your story

Writing is hard. Sitting down, every day, getting down the words that will eventually create coherent imagery in other people’s heads, is really hard.

Writing to publish is harder. When you’re writing stories to be publicly consumed, there are so many voices warning you about the wrong ways you’re doing it. They want to tell you how NOT to craft, what topics NOT to write about, what subgenres NOT to write in if you want to publish.

But the only voice that will truly say what is right for your writing is your own.

Look, I have a ton of caveats for the above statement: Learn the craft. Practice it. Write a ton of words before trying to publish. Be aware of your implicit biases. Educate yourself about the people and topics you’re writing about. Stay on top of what’s happening in your industry.

But, as you do all of that, listen to your gut. Absorb what feels useful and reasonable. Reject what doesn’t speak to you.

Because with a billion storytellers out there, the only thing that will make you stand out in the market and bring joy to the process when you sit at your desk is your voice.

No one has it but you. No one has had your life but you. No one has your unique perspective on a million topics, and no one but you can breathe that one-in-a-billion perspective into a story.

Value your voice. Treasure it. Protect it. Stand up for it.

And I hope, when you’re on eve of your book release, you’re ready to let your voice sing.

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Connect with those who can connect you to readers in your community.

While many people want to write a book, few pursue it. So if you are writing or have written a book, you’re a rare bird and your local community wants to support you when you publish. 

So go introduce at your local bookstore and library BEFORE you have a book to promote. Buy and check out the books. Attend the events. Follow them on social media. Make yourself a real-world supporter of these mighty voices that you hope support you. 

I shopped at my local indie bookstore, One More Page Books, and – after some deep-breathing exercises – commented gently on the fact that they didn’t have a romance section. Well, lo and behold, I got into a fantastic conversation with the book buyer about how they were about to launch a romance section. A few months later, I moderated their first romance author panel and, in November, will host my book launch party there!

There’s nothing like seeing your book in the wild and that’s a lot more likely to happen if you have the support of your local book sellers!

Actionable tip: Go to your local bookstore or library this week and have one conversation with an employee while you’re purchasing or checking out a book.

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One link can send book buyers to all retail outlets

You know how author’s social media posts are full of links for the various book retailers? Usually it looks something like:

Buy my lovely book!

Amazon: XXXXXX
My Indie Bookstore: XXXXXX
Barnes and Noble: XXXXXX
Apple Books: XXXXXX 
Kobo: XXXXXX

Rather than junking up your posts and running into Twitter’s character limits, there’s a way to gather all the retailers under one link. Use Linktree.

Linktree allows you to offer a bunch of “where to go next” options under one link. It was developed as an answer to Instagram, which only allows you to show one link in your bio.

I decided to use it to gather all the places a reader can go to purchase Lush Money. There is a free version. The $6/month paid version allows you to name the page, brand the page with image and colors, and a couple of other things that I can’t remember. I went with the paid version because — you know — DEBUT BOOK!! But I’ll probably go for the free version for the other books in the series.

Actionable tip: Click on the image above to explore how I used Linktree.

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Be prepared when you get “the call.”

Imagine getting "the call": an agent calls and offers to represent you. After you scream and cry and run around the house, what do you ask the agent to make sure that this is the person with whom you can entrust your career?

I had no idea, either. 

This is a blog I wrote in January 2018, two months before the amazing Sara Megibow of KT Literary offered to represent me. I have been in her caring and capable hands ever since and have never felt anything but blessed.

I did have a good series of questions to ask her when she called. 😉

Go to: What to ask an agent before you sign.

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This design tool is free, easy to learn, and allows everyone to make great-looking graphics.

You know how you see those authors who have beautiful and informative graphics on their social media and website? And you wonder how many thousands of dollars they’re paying a graphic designer to create them?

Most likely, the author – without a drop of graphic design experience (me!!) – is creating them for free on Canva.

Canva is a website design tool that allows you to put together graphics as easily as putting together a Word document. It’s intuitive, relatively reliable, and dummy proof. Want to create a graphic for Facebook? Click “Facebook post,” choose one of their many templates, and fill it in with your own words and images. Download and post. Simple.

One thing I did early to bring continuity to my graphics was to pick two colors and three fonts that would define my “brand.” If nothing else, the colors and fonts give me a starting point whenever I design an image.

Actionable tip: Choose two colors for your brand colors. Then got to canva and create and post two graphics this week. 

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Author’s note: RWA has defied the trust the authors were trying to have in it. So I’m no longer recommending that anyone join this organization. The local chapters are struggling with what steps to take next. The foundation of this advice still remains true, however — find a networking group that you can share the highs and lows of the publishing journey with.

RWA and your local chapter are a ready-made source of craft and industry knowledge

I’ve been a member of the Romance Writers of America since 1999 and a member of my local chapter, the Washington Romance Writers DC, since 2004. WRW DC has been INVALUABLE in teaching me the craft of writing, providing easy access to intimidating industry professionals like editors and agents, and helping me build a tribe of friend-authors. 

As an aspiring writer, there was no better tool for keeping me writing. Now, on the verge of being a published author, I have this group to thank for my understanding of the publishing process and for cheering me on during this debut year. I’ve never felt alone.

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It’s never too soon to start marketing

Just sold your book? It’s not too early to set up your website, social media, and newsletter. And if you’ve just finished your manuscript or are writing a book or thinking about becoming a writer — it’s not too early.

Here’s the truth: Ninety to one hundred percent of your marketing will be your responsibility. You will not be the rarified writer who defies this reality of publishing. You will have to do the work to get your name out there and connect with your readers. And learning how to manage your website/social media/newsletter is a steep learning curve. SO START THAT LEARNING NOW.

I’ll say it again. START THAT LEARNING NOW. Learn how to effectively manage these marketing tools in the calm before the storm of a publishing contract.

Don’t bemoan what you don’t know — no one knows what they have not learned. Don’t cry about how uncomfortable it is — we are writers, not marketers. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. And don’t pine for the good ol’ days. Those days are gone. You’re doing the hard work of writing the words; make sure you also can do the work so as many people as possible can read them!

Actionable tip: Set aside 30 minutes a day for the next week to learn how to implement your website, social media, or newsletter.

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Writing An Alpha Heroine

Note: I’m now offering a workshop on Writing Alpha Heroines: How to Write Strong Heroines Readers will Root For. See the bottom of this article to discover where it’s available to watch now. Interested in this virtual workshop for your romance writing chapter or group? Contact me.

The heroine of my debut book, Lush Money, came from a lightning strike of an idea: What if the romance billionaire we’ve spent so many years reading and writing about was a woman?

Great idea, right? But Roxanne Medina, self-made Mexican-American billionaire and CEO of Medina Now Enterprises, was a struggle to write.

I’m a writer and ex-journalist who works from my suburban home and, while now an empty nester, I spent the last 21 years taking care of children. I’m ruler of my fiefdom – my husband concedes that the dog recognizes me as alpha – but that doesn’t make me knowledgeable in Roxanne’s skin.

In the beginning of the book, I had to stop a lot to ponder what Roxanne’s thoughts, impulses, and reactions would be. How would a woman with a billionaire’s level of power and self-determination move in the world? What would her desires be? How would she interact with others? What could she still want for herself when she could buy everything?

All the things I figured out writing Roxanne Medina allowed me to develop some guidelines to make writing alpha heroines in the future easier.

1) Don’t write a man

Okay, we’ve all read her: She’s a “tough” heroine, doesn’t like “girly” stuff, is sexually adventurous, into technology, and spares the man in her life (who women can’t get enough of) all her messy emotional stuff. She’s generally written by a man. And, if you squint, she IS a prototypical man with the addition of the fun lady parts.

Creators can do better than this. We women deserve better than this. To dismiss all of our womanliness as something that makes us weak or lesser is just a phenomenal bunch of crap.

Roxanne Medina wants a baby and uses her Wall Street Journal to bookmark her Vogue and enjoys her phenomenal good looks as a tool and cries easier than she likes. And all of these attributes are an extension of what make her a great leader and a great boss: she’s a nurturer, she stays in-the-know, she uses all the tools at her disposal, and she’s empathetic.

Our womanliness makes us mighty.

2) Honor her femininity

As we embrace the fact that gender is fluid – and that personalities, preferences, upbringings, and cultures vary widely – it’s counter-productive and dangerous to define specific traits as “womanly” or “feminine.” Being a woman can be all things and everything. But whoever our female character is – whatever female traits we’re bringing to the table as the story builders and our character is bringing as she develops in our heads – we should value her female-ness as part of her alpha strength. Not shy away from it as something that makes her weak.

I realized early writing Roxanne that she was a mama bear, a protective nurturer. How did she take care of those in her den? By supporting and engaging the female business owners whose companies she invested in or acquired, running a morally responsible company that took care of her employees, and funding her small Kansas hometown that she claimed to disdain.

Roxanne’s feminine instinct to nurture was the engine that made her powerful.

“The elephant in the room with strong, alpha heroines is that many times they’re called “unlikeable.” We’ve coded “make her likeable” with “make her relatable.””

3) Allow her to fully occupy her space

What defines an alpha heroine? I don’t believe it’s her job – soldier, spy, billionaire – or the fact that she can kick ass. An alpha heroine is defined by the way she occupies her space and understands her importance in that space.

Imagine a woman standing in the middle of an empty room. As people come into this room, we are preprogrammed to expect this woman to shuffle to the side. Usually as she’s asking everyone who enters if they need anything. She might even press herself into a corner to make sure others have more space.

We’ve been taught to appreciate women who accommodate other’s needs. Women as caretakers used to be an evolutionary imperative.

But an alpha heroine stays in the center of the room. Why? Because she knows how important her place there is. Only from the center can she get a full picture, assess what other’s need, and balance those needs against her own. She doesn’t diminish herself because she knows she is necessary. Others will not receive the best she can give if she’s tucked into a corner.

Roxanne makes mistakes when she first meets Príncipe Mateo de Esperanza y Santos, a Spanish prince with a struggling kingdom, who she contracts for a year-long marriage of convenience and sex three-days-a-month so she can have her royal baby. But it’s her own judgement – that Mateo is a good man, that she behaved poorly and against her own standards and morals -- that inspires her to change and triggers this enemies-to-lovers couple to work together instead of against each other. Roxanne doesn’t let Mateo take over as her mea culpa; instead she apologizes, sincerely makes amends, and welcomes him to stand as an equal by her side.

4) Know her vulnerability

Her vulnerabilities – the balance to her strengths -- are what make our alpha heroine fascinating and real. Not weak. If we deny her those vulnerabilities, all we have is a caricature of a strong woman. So it’s important we know those tender spots going in.

Roxanne’s strength is that she’s a nurturer. Therefore her vulnerability had to be that she was lonely. She worried, because of her upbringing, that she would never be valued and loved. That she would never have anyone to truly nurture. So why wouldn’t she try to buy herself a baby? Her exterior strength is her vast resources and wealth. Her vulnerability: That no one – not her employees, her hometown, or her prince – could love her unless she paid them.

I don’t want to get to spoilery so I’ll just say that vulnerabilities create issues for the hero to discover and comfort and provide fun, wrenching, awesome, heart-rending moments for the author to explore.

5) Make her human

The elephant in the room with strong, alpha heroines is that many times they’re called “unlikeable.” We’ve coded “make her likeable” with “make her relatable.” I hate both words. Instead, we should just make sure to create a living, breathing human with all of the corresponding foibles.

Give her a favorite junk food. Or an irritating habit. Or a favorite reality show. Whatever. We just make sure she isn’t perfect because perfect is sterile and boring.

When Roxanne first sees her prince in a suit, she’s so knocked out by how gorgeous he is that she slips on her four-inch-high Louboutins. It’s a tiny moment – she just passes it off like there was something on the floor – but after a couple of chapters of her imperviously ramming her agenda down his throat, I loved seeing her this way. Human. Jaw-dropped.

Because of the close perspective that romance novels are written in, it can be difficult sometimes to show an alpha heroine’s love-strewn and foible-filled humanity. An alpha heroine is not going to acknowledge them in her POV and the hero – either filled with lust or enemies-to-lovers irritation -- might not see them in his.

So, I found it useful to let my secondary characters do that work. I showed my secondary characters loving her, respecting her, teasing her, valuing her for her strengths AND vulnerabilities AND foibles, and—hopefully—set the tone for the hero and the reader.

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Want to take my Alpha Heroine WorkshoP?

• Sign up for the Toronto Romance Writers conference and you can take the How to Write Alpha Heroines workshop with me Saturday, September 17 at 9:00 am CT.

Click to learn more

Read more: Why I write “Unlikeable Heroines.”

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