An Ode to Supportive Men

On Valentine's Day, my husband sent me flowers.

He didn't send them because it was Valentine's Day, which we'd celebrated the weekend before. He sent them because, earlier that day, I'd been on a roller coaster ride with a potential agent that ended in a confidence-shaking rejection. So my husband sent me flowers.

These, "You got this and I believe in you" flowers meant more to me than "I love you" flowers could.

This is a hard blog to frame. Woman have played the role of "supportive" for so long that it seems like it's written into the job requirement: cook dinners and rub feet and say uplifting things. So should men really get a bravo when they rise to the same standards? Yeah. First, because I believe in positive reinforcement. And second, because when both people in the equation are supportive, that's where the magic happens. 

Supportive Men Are Sexy

I thought my latest book, The Billionaire's Prince, was going to be about strong women. It derived from the concept: What if the billionaire CEO was a woman? I wanted my female lead to take control and ultimately be the person who swoops in to save the day. But since I write cisgendered, hetero romance novels, I needed the man to be "manly." I needed him to be sexy and strong, but in a way that didn't impede on my heroine's strength.

The book became an exploration of the behaviors of supportive men as much as it was about strong women. I realized that the way for him to be strong and sexy was to accept her strength as a matter of course, for him to lean into and on her strength, and ultimately that one of his strengths -- and one way that made him immensely sexy -- was how much he enjoyed hers.

Men, take note.

Supportive men are Active

Chris Pine in the role of Steve Trevor in the "Wonder Woman" movie did an astonishing job playing the role of the strong, sexy!!!! supportive man. It's easy to think of support as passive, a rah-rahing from the sidelines while the other person does all the work. But Pine is lockstep with our (yes, we've claimed her) Gal Gadot all the way. He's attracted to her, overwhelmed by her, worried for her. He pulls her back when she insults a general and marvels at her when she enjoys ice cream. But never once does he doubt her abilities. He's the one who tells his burly compatriots to place a platform on their backs so they can fling her into battle. 

Watching Chris Pine in that role gave me hope for the future of story telling. Watching Chris Pine in that role made me sad for how rare we see that type of man.

Supportive men are complicated

The movie "Hidden Figures" -- which tells the story of three African-American female mathematicians who helped the U.S. win the space race -- does an incredible job of exploring too many unknown stories. One piece I noticed was how the husbands reacted to their incredibly smart wives.

Aldis Hodge via Hopper Stone, SMPSP/20th Century Fox

Aldis Hodge plays the husband of Mary Jackson, NASA's first black female engineer. In the beginning of the movie, he is critical of his wife's efforts to be the first black woman in white-only classes. He is afraid for her. Ultimately, though, he supports her. Hodge says about his character: 

"He supported his wife — supported her in a very avant-garde way given the time frame. This is the '60s, so I loved what he represented and what they represented."

Support doesn't come instantly or easily. It's earned, learned, and taught. Even the character of Col. Jim Johnson, played by Mahershala Ali, missteps wildly in this awesome scene before he goes on to become the supportive husband of physicist and mathematician Katherine G. Johnson, played by Taraji P. Henson.

supportive men are rare

I've become a big fan of The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast, which showcases big-name romance writers and explores why the genre is awesome. More than once, authors have mentioned how they don't feel supported by their partners or families, how their husbands don't "get" what they're doing.

This makes me sad. It also makes me deeply appreciate of what I have and reminds me not to take it for granted. My mom reads and comments on all my books on Wattpad. My brothers share my stories on their social media profiles.

But most importantly for the day-to-day Angelina who sits down and slaves at this writing thing every day, my husband believes in my writing every day. He's believed in every story, he's cheered on every query and request for full, and he's commiserated with every rejection. In December, when an agent asked for a full manuscript before I was quite ready, he spent a weekend editing it while I frantically wrote the end. 

He is not perfect in all things, and I wouldn't want him to be because that's waaaaay too much pressure. But in this, this active, sexy, and complicated support of my writing, he has been perfect. 

So while this is an ode to supportive men, I guess it's also a little bit of an ode to him.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Accepting Change in the Storm

"Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change." - Ramsey Clark

Embrace change. Ride the wave. I'm clinging to these words right now because, honestly, if I don't ride the wave, it's going to drown me. At this particular life stage (calling all Gen-Xers!!) change feels more poignant and harder to bear -- our children are growing up, our parents are aging, our jobs feel more fragile and more necessary, our bones have begun strange creaking. Decisions have more weight, change feels more fraught. "Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity," said Ramsey Clark, former U.S. Attorney General. I'm trying to believe it and I'll chant "Let's love turbulence!!" like a cheerleader as I ride its ups and downs.

Re-starting Your Goals Once You've Stopped

I started 2016 like the president of the student body-head cheerleader-valedictorian, that girl that we all love to hate. I was focused and goal-oriented and ready to kick some ass. I even wrote a totally obnoxious blog about it.

This is what my goal planning calendar regularly looked like.

This is what my social media calendar looked like.

And then life kicked in.

In the six weeks between spring break and now, I traveled six times. That's six hotels. Four car trips. Two plane trips. I toured four separate college campuses. I ate so many burgers. I had A LOT of cocktails.

During that time, this is what my goal planning calendar looked like.

And this is what my social media calendar looked like.

So now it's the beginning of May and I've finally gotten to unpack my toiletries and do some laundry and wake up in my own bed on a Saturday. And I've looked down the pathway of May and realized that those goal posts and milestones I'd set up for myself earlier this year...they're gone. Obliterated by reality. Shadowed by the goals of March and April glaring back at me with disapproval and disappointment.

Sorry. I anthropomorphize.

When our goals have slipped away from us, it's easy to beat ourselves up. It's easy to pull up the anchor of goal planning -- of setting our sights on a more meaningful objective and working toward it -- and instead get carried away in the tide of the day to day. And it's exhausting to goal plan when you're just trying to play catch up.

Don't let the negative voice get in your head. Even if it's Beyonce's.

But I gotta believe that those larger goals -- for our careers, our families, our relationships, our personal health -- are worth putting down stakes for. I gotta believe that the hoped-for results are worth the planning.

So I'm doing a few things this month to get my goals back in place. First, and I think most importantly, instead of beating myself up for what I didn't accomplish, I'm acknowledging what I did. I helped my kid choose a college. I helped raise some money for my writing chapter. Seldom are we just sitting on the couch eating bonbons and lazily watching the opportunities to fulfill our goals pass us by.

Secondly, I'm letting go of what I couldn't accomplish. As my dear friend Paige Trevor said today, "the world doesn't stop spinning because a few things were shoved under the bed." I may not be using the quote in the best way (sorry, Paige!), but it is valuable for me to remember how few of the things that I get worked up about will make the world stop spinning if they don't happen. Like, none. 

Third, and this is the hardest part, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and begin again. Re-starting -- making those lists, writing out those calendars, confronting the to-dos that I thought would be completed already -- always feels like the most daunting and frustrating task. But even daunted and frustrated, I can start. I can do. I can be powerful in my ability to overcome my own inertia. 

In my office. Ready to begin again.

What is a goal that you've let slide that you would like to begin again?

7 Tips for Keeping the Fun in Your Marriage

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd re-run this blog I posted a couple of year ago. The lovely couple featured below, Abby and Casey, are married and happy and could now write their own how-to article about keeping the fun in their marriage, if the ridiculous videos they make together while they work out are any indication. Enjoy!

This weekend I’m going to a wedding.

My phenomenal cousin Casey is marrying the woman of any man’s dreams, Abby. He’s a brilliant, funny, artistic, smartass of a guy who’s chosen to remain in his small hometown and teach art to elementary school children. Abby is a kind, patient, peace-filled nurse who loves Casey just the way he is, smartassness and all.

Abby and Casey

These are the kind of people that give you hope in the future of mankind when they come together; the kind of couple that should be required to bring children into the world for the betterment of all humanity.

Yeah, I like this couple. Of course, I want them to stay together forever, but more than that, I want them to have fun together forever.

My blog is about finding fun for GenXers in the DMV, but it’s also about having fun as a partner to someone, when you no longer have the drama and exhilaration that comes with dating. Let’s be honest, it’s not effortless to have a ball with someone you see every night at dinner. It’s much easier to take them for granted.

But what I’ve learned over 16 years of really enjoying the company of the guy I sit across from at dinner – what I hope to give Casey and Abby as they start on this grand adventure together – are a few tricks to maintain the fun with the person you need be having the most fun with. To love, honor and make him obey are indeed important (snicker), but to promise to enjoy each other, to laugh and to explore, those are the things that make marriages the happily-ever-after tales we dream of.

Casey and Abby, I hope for happily ever after for you.

7 TIPS FOR KEEPING THE FUN IN YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Pick a regularly scheduled “date time,” and maintain it on your calendars

You can choose to go out every other Saturday night or enjoy a coffee together every Tuesday morning if that’s all your busy schedules allow. It doesn’t matter when you do it, as long as you prioritize time in your schedule for you to be together as a couple, enjoying each other’s company.

2. Talk about stupid stuff

Every now and then at the dinner table, during a car ride and definitely during your dates, place a moratorium on discussing the mortgage, the dog and who’s driving to soccer practice on Wednesday. Sharing duties on the home front make for great marriages, but sometimes you need to look at your spouse not as your co-chair but as the hot guy or girl you’re lucky to be with. Talk about your excitement for the Star Wars release, reminisce about that one trip you took to Quebec or try to figure out why that apple after your first kiss was the best apple ever created.

3. Embrace what the other person is into

Photo credit: CarbonNYC [in SF!] via Visualhunt / CC BY

You don’t have to LOVE your partner’s interests and you don’t have to adopt them as your own. But you have to give them a try, you have to be supportive of the fact that your partner is into them, and under no circumstances whatsoever can you malign them. Occasionally, people who find football boring should go to the sports bar with their spouse and watch the Sunday game. Every now and then, the person with two left feet should agree to take a salsa lesson with their partner. We think we know ourselves, but one of the advantages of getting married is the chance to see the world through another’s eyes.

4. Take down time

One thing I feel is lost in our competitive, self-guilt-inflicted, go-go-go culture is the benefits of relaxing. It’s hard to have fun and appreciate your partner when you’re totally wiped out. Take time to do nothing; allow your spouse the same.

5. Ask about their day

This sounds so simplistic, but I believe what we want most as humans is to be seen and acknowledged. It’s very easy to take the person you go to bed with every night for granted; it’s also relatively easy to make them know you care. Ask about their day – regardless of whether it’s date night or not – and sincerely listen to their response.

6. Balance the amount of date time spent with friends

Inviting friends along on your date night is highly entertaining and adds the spark of new conversations and insights. However, balance how often your precious couple time is spent in a group. Friends sometimes can be the unknowing bandaid over issues that need to be dealt with in your marriage.

7. Deal with the non-fun stuff

One of the best ways to insure fun in your marriage is to deal with the hard stuff as it comes along. It’s impossible to have fun with someone you resent, and resentfulness – or disdain – only builds when issues are allowed to fester. Deal with the hard stuff as soon as you can; be brave enough to have those hard conversations. This person chose to build a life with you; trust that they accept you – warts and all – and that they want to deal with the hard stuff so that only good intentions, hopeful hearts and fun times remain.

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Happy Valentine's Day from me and my muse! -- Angelina

Six Tricks and Tools for a Lifetime Of Good Health

I will stand up and admit that Snowpocalypse or Snowmegeddon or whatever we’re calling the Great East Coast Blizzard of 2016 has DESTROYED my New Year’s health resolutions. The days of being stuck inside, the vacation-like atmosphere created by everyone being home, and the primal imperative to layer on the fat have vastly overwhelmed the call of my Fitbit or my WeightWatchers points tracker. 

But it’s one week in a lifetime. Rather than looking at the past week as a crater sinking my health goals, I have to look at it as a minor divot in a lifetime of healthy-choice opportunities. I’m beyond the age when I can look at my health as a diet or an exercise class or a jeans size.

My father was plagued with ill-health connected to food, weight and inactivity for the last 25 years of his life, and last year I started dealing with some of the back issues that affected him. It was a chilling wake-up call. To have a life without pain, a life where my body is empowered and not restricted, I have to view healthy habits as a lifestyle, not as something I do for a month. Or just after the new year. With that in mind, here are six simple steps and tools I use for a lifetime of good health.

1. Plan meals.

It’s so much easier for me to eat healthy when I know what I’m making that evening, and I have all the ingredients in the fridge. I grocery shop once a week using Peapod grocery delivery service, and I keep a consistent theme to make planning meals easy -- Meatless Monday, crockpot or salads on Tuesday and Thursday, Mexican on Fridays, we eat out on Saturday, and I double whatever I make on Sunday for lunches and leftovers. My friend and client, parenting coach Paige Trevor, has an awesome blog about making meal planning easy.

2. Be mindful of what I eat.

I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers online since I turned 30. Weight Watchers works under a simple premise -- you can eat whatever you want. You just have to "track your points." Be accountable for it. Woman up. And when you realize that the cookie has the same amount of points as an entire healthy meal, it changes your opinion about how often you need that cookie. Weight Watchers offers me a simple, painless, common-sense way to be mindful and responsible for what I'm eating. 

3. Do something active every day.

The dog wondering when he's going to get his walk

Everyday, I try to walk the dog, weight lift at my gym or go to my kickboxing class. These are not heroic acts; the dog is used to getting gyped, the 5-pound weight gets a lot of use at the gym, and I often hear "Hey, you're back!" when I show up at kickboxing. But when I cannot push myself to leave the house -- say, during a blizzard -- I have Daily Burn. Daily Burn is an app that provides one gazillion workout videos featuring knowledgeable trainers leading every workout style you could want. From dance to high intensity tabata to weight lifting to yoga to prenatal exercise, Daily Burn offers a workout that meets every interest and ability.

4. Be mindful of my activity.

Weight Watchers helps me keep track of what’s going in. Fitbit helps me keep track of what’s going out. When I first got the step-tracking device, I was astonished how far away from the recommended 10,000 steps-per-day I was. The average American only gets 2,000-2,500 steps-per-day. And I, like many Americans, spend a lot of time sitting on my butt typing. I don’t always hit the magic number, but my Fitbit makes me mindful of how much I'm moving, of the necessity to take a quick walk around the block or to park at the back of the parking lot.

5. Get help with healthy meals.

This Tuscan Ribollita Soup was a Blue Apron success!

So when I get too busy or the after-school chauffeuring gets out of control, Step 1's meal planning and cooking goes out the window. This is when I turn to Blue Apron for help. For about $10/meal, which is less than we spend when we eat out, a Blue Apron box shows up at my door with the recipe and all of the ingredients for two healthy meals for my family of four. I'm still cooking, but all of the thinking, deciding and buying has been taken care of for me. Sometimes, the simple relief of not having to make a decision is all I need to stay on a healthy course.

6. Partake in the occasional cleanse. 

For me, a cleanse doesn't mean cayenne water or juicing — those are unrealistic for my lifestyle and family. But there are times when I need to right the ship, in terms of my food intake. I found the 17-Day Diet several years ago, and it's my go-to source whenever I need to enforce some healthy eating. Essentially, the 17-Day Diet focuses on lean proteins (chicken, turkey and fish), vegetables, two servings of fruit and probiotics for 17 days. No bready carbs, no sugar, no alcohol. I always lose weight and I always see quick results, which makes me continue with healthy habits. 

What are some of your favorite tools and tricks for maintaining a healthy lifestyle?

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Resolving to Find the Fun in 2016

Me in 2014.

2015 kind of sucked for me.

I dealt with painful "getting old" back and leg issues, my son was immersed in junior/senior year stress (and we all went along for that ride), and my Dad died. There were many blessings, too: a trip to Vegas, a great writing conference, new clients (yay!), and the continued health and contentment of most of my family.

But in 2016, I want to focus on being happy again. I believe happiness takes a certain level of mindfulness, and I want to be mindful of discovering joy, rather than passively suffering through the misery. At my age, I know joy doesn't consist of just vacations and mani/pedis. True joy is found in your day-to-day, in taking care of your family, partnership, health, work, friends and home.

So, to succeed in this year's theme -- "Find the Fun" -- these are the New Year's resolutions I've made to be responsible for my happiness and to kick the blahs out the door. I only succeed when I'm held accountable, which is why I'm posting them here. I'll blog again in February about how I'm doing.

Family resolution

I resolve to create more moments when we can be together as a family. 

It's amazing, when your children are teenagers, how easy it is to live with people that you never connect with. We're home together a lot, but the boys are working as hard as I am on "the future," and when we're not working, we're relaxing on devices -- I'm as bad as they are. I'm trying to keep this resolution simple, i.e.. accomplishable: I'm resolving to eat more meals at the table and to plan one event a month that gets us out of the house together. I've already got this month's event on the calendar: We're going to the Harper Macaw chocolate factory tour in northeast D.C. Could there be a better lure? And yes, there will be a blog.

Marriage resolution

I resolve to find one new adult event to explore every month with my husband.

My man's a blast, he's pretty much up for anything with only mild convincing, and we have a lot of fun together. But with the stress of last year, we went out less and less, and when we did go out, it was generally to the same place. We both enjoy life with a few surprises, so in 2016, I'm committed to finding the Kennedy Center performances, bourbon tastings and hiking trails that will offer them.

Health resolution

I resolve to feel better.

Resolutions about weight and health are rife with controversy, and I thought long and hard about how to phrase this one. But the thing is, I don't feel good at the weight I am. I think it's hard on my frame. The end of last year was a "eat-and-drink-my-pain" fiesta and in the four days that I've been eating better, exercising every day, drinking more water and cutting back on alcohol, I already feel better. The proof is in the pudding, even when I can't have any.

Work resolution

I resolve to post to social media every day, skill build two hours a week, blog every week, and make a certain amount every month.

As a busy social media manager who helps my solopreneur and small business clients learn, plan and post their social media, I forget to do my own learning and planning and posting. The prime directive I give to all my clients is to take control of their marketing and messaging. And yet, I can let my messaging passively dribble out, too. However, with a child soon in college and a directive about how much I have to make in 2016 from my financial planner, my business and income is something I can no longer be passive about. Need help with your social media resolutions? That's what I'm here for.

Friends resolution

I resolve to entertain more and be more entertaining.

Oh, my lovely friends. Does it feel like your digits are gathering dust on my phone? Friends and their information, advice, laughter and love inject a huge dose of fun into my life, and I will use the excuse, "I'm sooooo busy," no longer. I've already got a couple of gatherings at our house planned -- look for your invite -- but I'm also going to remind myself that seeing my friends does not have to be a production. Over coffee, with a glass of wine, or during a joint trip to Target is a great time to enjoy my friends.

Home resolution 

I resolve to do what our financial planner says.

While being in our 40s doesn't make my husband and I feel any closer to adulthood, we are trying to behave like adults. We finally met with a financial planner at the end of last year, and she has given us our marching orders. It's calming to know we're driving down the road of our financial future with our eyes wide open, rather than squinted shut while hoping everything is going to be okay. It's also nice to know someone is there to help us handle the dips, rises and inevitable potholes. 

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What are your resolutions for 2016? Do you have any suggestions to help me with mine? Please comment below. I need all the help I can get.

And please check in again in February to see how I'm doing. 

10 Ways To Help Those In Mourning

My dad and I, 2004

Swimming in the blissful good fortune of someone who reached her forties without losing a close loved one, I was horrible when it came to helping others who were dealing with death. I once didn’t contact a good friend for months after her mom died. On the day a neighbor had to euthanize his dog who had been his main companion for 20 years, I asked, “Are you going to get another dog?” He looked at me like I’d slapped him. 

But then I joined the club. My dad was killed in August of 2015. He was on his motorcycle and was hit by a semi-truck that crossed into his lane. My dad was 62 years old, and his death was – is still – a gut-punching shock.

My dad lived in a small town, surrounded by our large family, and was active in his church and community. The initial days of our mourning were very public -- people dropped by with food and toilet paper, strangers gave their condolences at the visitation, friends he hadn't seen since high school attended the funeral. I would have assumed that I would hate feeling exposed to so many. But in reality, each word and hug and offer of support helped. Each human contact meant something to me, gave me an opportunity to cry, and made me feel not so afraid and alone.

I want to remember that. In honor of all those people who spoke and hugged and emailed, I want to remember how I would like to behave the next time someone I know is grieving the death of a loved one.

1. I will reach out anyway I can. 

I was amazed how helpful each text, Facebook post, email, phone call, card or drop-by was. Death is terrifying and being shown that I had this ever-growing wall of support and love to lean on comforted me and made me feel less alone. I didn’t care about the substance of the message; all I cared about was the karmic hug offered by each person.

2. I won’t worry about what to say. 

So often, I didn't reach out to someone who was grieving because I worried about what to say. But when I was in grief, I really didn’t care what was said. I just needed the support, the affirmation of being loved, the comfort of a hello. Just be there. The words will come.

3. I will remember that saying, “I’m sorry for your loss,” is fine. 

This is a great, simple phrase, easy to say and easy to mean. Said to me over and over again in the reception line after my dad’s funeral, it was still meaningful. If the grievers have more to say, they will. But it’s okay to just be there in silence and support.

4. I will bring food. 

People in mourning forget to eat. And then they eat a ton. And then they have to get back to real life and start planning meals. It was the very last thing in the world I wanted to do. Bring food without asking. Bring fresh food and freezable food. Bring baked goods and a salad. Bring food two weeks after the funeral. But most importantly, DON’T ASK if the person needs food. Trust me. They do.

5. I won’t talk about the bright side. 

Focusing on the positive – “At least they got to see the Grand Canyon first,” – can make this incredibly difficult conversation more comfortable for the person feeling awkward. For the person who will never see their loved one again, there is no bright side. If the mourner wants to say it, that’s fine. But don’t bring it up as the comforter. In the beginning stages of grief, it is not a comfort.

6. I won’t ask if the mourner needs anything. I will just do.

I will bring food. I will walk their dog. I will run a load of laundry. I will deliver groceries. I will whisk their kids off for a day. “Don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything,” is a well-intentioned sentiment, but a person in mourning can barely pick out what to wear, much less figure out where they need help. Just jump in and help. Oh yeah, and bring food.

7. I will make plans and dates with the griever.

When I got back home after the funeral, several beloved girlfriends contacted me with dates for cocktails, coffees and my birthday lunch. I could choose which dates worked best, but they did not give me an option to bow out. Without these lovely women, I would have spent a lot of unhealthy time on the couch watching Bones re-runs. I will remember the value of a loving arm twist.

8. I WON’T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. 

I remember thinking in the past, “They’re probably tired of talking about death. I’ll bring up something else,” then trying to forge ahead with a new conversation. I was so wrong. Let the person talk about grieving as much and as long as he wants. When he's ready to talk about something else, he will. But let him lead the conversation.

9. I will encourage them to grieve.

One of the blessings I only fully realized after the initial fog of grieving lifted was that everyone in my life -- friends, family, husband, kids -- gave me room to grieve. No one expected me to move this thing along. I could talk and cry and stay in my sweats as long as I wanted. Encourage the griever to lean into whatever emotion he or she is feeling. Resisting grief, or ignoring it, only makes a person feel worse.

10. I will show up two weeks and a month and two months later.

The real blow of loss doesn't come until all the initial hubbub dies down. Two weeks, a month, two months later is when a mourner can really use a frozen casserole and a coffee date. I will remember to reach out and reassure the griever -- like so many wonderful people have reached out to reassure me -- that she is supported and loved.

I'd love to hear any advice you have for helping people get through grief. Please share in the comments below. 

In honor of the woman who taught me to have fun...

... I'm not writing a blog today. ;-) 

I'm having too much fun running around town and collecting material for future blogs with my mother. My mother wakes up every morning embracing the day, and she taught me the value of laughing loud and long. My mother is no shrinking violet. Modeling that -- a woman who loves herself and loves life -- is the best gift she's ever given me.

Check back on Friday, when you'll get to see the adventures we found.

7 Tips for Keeping the Fun in Your Marriage

Abby and Casey. Photo courtesy of Ruby Ridge Photography

This weekend I’m going to a wedding.

My phenomenal cousin Casey is marrying the woman of any man’s dreams, Abby. He’s a brilliant, funny, artistic, smart-ass of a guy who’s chosen to remain in his small hometown and teach art to elementary school children. Abby is a kind, patient, peace-filled nurse who loves Casey just the way he is, smart-assness and all.

These are the kind of people that give you hope in the future of mankind when they come together; the kind of couple that should be required to bring children into the world for the betterment of all humanity.

Yeah, I like this couple. Of course, I want them to stay together forever, but more than that, I want them to have fun together forever.

My blog is about finding fun for GenXers in the DMV, but it’s also about having fun as a partner to someone, when you no longer have the drama and exhilaration that comes with dating. Let’s be honest, it’s not effortless to have a ball with someone you see every night at dinner. It’s much easier to take them for granted.

But what I’ve learned over 16 years of really enjoying the company of the guy I sit across from at dinner – what I hope to give Casey and Abby as they start on this grand adventure together – are a few tricks to maintain the fun with the person you need be having the most fun with. To love, honor and make him obey are indeed important (snicker), but to promise to enjoy each other, to laugh and to explore, those are the things that make marriages the happily-ever-after tales we dream of.

Casey and Abby, I hope for happily ever after for you.

7 Tips for Keeping the Fun in Your Marriage

1. Pick a regularly scheduled “date time,” and maintain it on your calendars – You can choose to go out every other Saturday night or enjoy a coffee together every Tuesday morning if that’s all your busy schedules allow. It doesn’t matter when you do it, as long as you prioritize time in your schedule for you to be together as a couple, enjoying each other’s company.
2. Talk about stupid stuff – Every now and then at the dinner table, during a car ride and definitely during your dates, place a moratorium on discussing the mortgage, the dog and who’s driving to soccer practice on Wednesday. Sharing duties on the home front make for great marriages, but sometimes you need to look at your spouse not as your co-chair but as the hot guy or girl you’re lucky to be with. Talk about your excitement for the Star Wars release, reminisce about that one trip you took to Quebec or try to figure out why that apple after your first kiss was the best apple ever created.
3. Embrace what the other person is into – You don’t have to LOVE your partner’s interests and you don’t have to adopt them as your own. But you have to give them a try, you have to be supportive of the fact that your partner is into them, and under no circumstances whatsoever can you malign them. Occasionally, people who find football boring should go to the sports bar with their spouse and watch the Sunday game. Every now and then, the person with two left feet should agree to take a salsa lesson with their partner. We think we know ourselves, but one of the advantages of getting married is the chance to see the world through another’s eyes.
4. Take down time – One thing I feel is lost in our competitive, self-guilt-inflicted, go-go-go culture is the benefits of relaxing. It’s hard to have fun and appreciate your partner when you’re totally wiped out. Take time to do nothing; allow your spouse the same.
5. Ask about their day – This sounds so simplistic, but I believe what we want most as humans is to be seen and acknowledged. It’s very easy to take the person you go to bed with every night for granted; it’s also relatively easy to make them know you care. Ask about their day – regardless of whether it’s date night or not – and sincerely listen to their response.
6. Balance the amount of date time spent with friends – Inviting friends along on your date night is highly entertaining and adds the spark of new conversations and insights. However, balance how often your precious couple time is spent in a group. Friends sometimes can be the unknowing bandaid over issues that need to be dealt with in your marriage.
7. Deal with the non-fun stuff – One of the best ways to insure fun in your marriage is to deal with the hard stuff as it comes along. It’s impossible to have fun with someone you resent, and resentfulness – or disdain – only builds when issues are allowed to fester. Deal with the hard stuff as soon as you can; be brave enough to have those hard conversations. This person chose to build a life with you; trust that they accept you – warts and all – and that they want to deal with the hard stuff so that only good intentions, hopeful hearts and fun times remain.

Summer Mix Tape for In-Betweeners

The summer before my senior year in high school, a disreputable boy with long hair asked if he could put in a cassette tape as we drove God only knows where in my grey Chevy Cavalier. Out of my speakers came The Rolling Stones, who I associated with the music of my parents and therefore didn’t like. But these songs weren’t the mid-80s, feathered and puffy-shirted “Dancing in the Streets” version of Rolling Stones I thought I knew (You’re right, that was Mick’s fault.) These songs were interesting, lyrical, as dirty and soulful as they were heartbreaking and orchestral. I asked him if I could borrow this tape.

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That stifling hot summer, driving around the long, flat streets of Tulsa, Okla., flittering away time with my lovely, disreputable friends when I wasn’t working a 40-hour-a-week temp job, became defined by that tape. “Play With Fire,” “Paint It Black,” “Ruby Tuesday,” “Sympathy for the Devil,” “Wild Horses,” all became the soundtrack for my last childhood summer, the summer before I turned 18. “Hot Rocks” the guy had written on the cassette label, further proving that this was the perfect summer tape. “Wow,” I thought, “He’s put together the best Rolling Stones mix ever.”

"Hot Rocks: 1964-1971" was the actual name of the album, a compilation and The Rolling Stone’s biggest selling album. I didn’t know this until years later. If you can’t laugh at your 18-year-old self, then you’re doing it wrong.

As we squeeze out the last bits of fun of this last month of summer, I figured it would be a good time to put together a Summer Mix Tape for In-Betweeners to help us all remember that time in our lives when we stayed out late, slept in long and never wore sunscreen. Songs don’t hit me as powerfully as they once did, but they can still transport. A great song can make the sun shine a little bit brighter, can make me smile a little wider and can remind me of that kid in that car that heard that mind-blowing album for the first time.

Summer Mix Tape for In-Betweeners

Click cassette below to play

WARNING: There is an inherent lustiness to summer, with all the heat and exposed skin, and an inherent heat to summer songs. Songs with a (*) may not be kid appropriate.

1. The Rolling Stones - Street Fighting Man
2. *Kings of Leon - Four Kicks (Heirs to The Rolling Stones, this entire album, Aha Shake Heartbreak, their second, is a a fantastic summer listen, an ode to young boys hanging out of trucks with their hormones flapping around them.)
3. TLC - No Scrubs (A great Nineties ode to the girls who refused to respond to the boys hanging out of trucks with their hormones hanging around them.)

4. Nikka Costa - Everybody Got Their Something (Favorite line: “There’s a time for every star.”)

5. Liz Phair - Polyester Bride (Song about sitting at a bar jawing with the bartender. What could be more summery than that?)

6. Rufus & Chaka Khan - Tell Me Something Good

7. Jarabe De Palo - Bonito (And what’s the good thing you want to be told? That everything is beautiful, bonito.)

8. Justin Timberlake - Senorita (The next grouping of songs sound like they're performed at some sweaty club or house party.)

9. Beastie Boys - Live at P.J.'s

10. *Pink - God is a DJ (Favorite line: “God wants you to shake your ass.” I believe that.)

11. *Prince - Housequake (This album, Sign of the Times, is Prince’s masterpiece and another one that I have on rotation all summer.)

12. Sly & the Family Stone - Dance to the Music ("Get on up, and dance to the music.")

13. The Goat Rodeo Sessions - Here and Heaven (Haunting, yet rousing song from awesome collaboration of Yo-Yo Ma and some great bluegrass musicians.)

14. Sam Cooke - Summertime (I know, this one just seems too obvious. But, you see, I was introduced to it in the summertime. By this boy. He would do push ups on concrete blocks. Ahh…summertime.)

15. Sam Sparro - Black and Gold

16. Morphine - Super Sex (I don’t know if it was summertime when a cute guy - who's now my husband - gave me this song on a mixtape. But I know it was hot.)

17. Stevie Wonder - I Was Made to Love Her (Stevie personifies summer to me.)

18. Elton John - Amoreena

19. Everclear - Santa Monica

20. Japandroids - Young Hearts Spark Fire ("We used to dream now we worry about dying. I don’t want to worry about dying. I just want to worry about those sunshine girls.”)

21. The Rolling Stones - Mother's Little Helper (I couldn't resist. Let's all sing it together: "What a drag it is getting old.")

What do you like to listen to in the summer? What song or album brings youthful summer memories rushing back? Please tell me about your favorite songs in the comment section below or on my Facebook page.